Whether you spend hours agonizing over your mp3 collection, or just download whatever free junk you find under your Pepsi cap, ring tones have spawned yet another way to unjustly prejudge a complete stranger.
The college crowd can express their predictable uniqueness. The bohemian urbanites can angrily insist that this band is underground and you can’t possibly have heard of them. The disenfranchised can sound their battle cry for the Cause of the Week. And you need to know how to properly pigeonhole these technological oxen. Behold, a handy pocket guide.
Chopin, Bach, Haydn, Mendelssohn: Steal this person’s lunch if at all possible. It no doubt contains fish eggs—or watercress, whatever the hell that is. On second though, never mind.
Anything Andrew Lloyd Weber: Run. Particularly if you’re using public transportation. If you don’t get out in time, you will end up spontaneously bursting into choreographed dance with your fellow passengers. And it won’t be cool, like in Thriller.
Justin Timberlake, Ludacris, Fergie: Get this guy drunk and he’ll show you his “moves”, which consist of flailing around erratically like a squirrel on meth.
Phish, Dead, String Cheese Incident: Shame on you. You were expecting dreads, a hemp necklace, and a distinct odor. And stop staring suspiciously when he offers you baked goods.
Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Pussycat Dolls: Don’t ask if they’re real. Just don’t.
Bon Jovi, Metallica, Aerosmith: Delight and amaze him with your memories of the glam rock era—because nothing says “ice breaker” like reminiscing about men in lipstick.
Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Dean Martin: He’d be glad to meet you for coffee, but first he’s gotta take the thing to the place.
Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morissette, Heart: If you’d like a boot planted in your family jewels, walk up to this woman and utter any of these three sleeper agent triggers: Lilith, grrrl, or feminist.
Train whistles, explosions, automatic gunfire: You’re going to watch all three Die Hards, and you’re going to like it, dammit. You preordered tickets for the fourth one, right? Right?
Greenbunny
What’s a regular ol’ “ring” say about a person?
I have Massive Attack’s “Teardrop.” But I liked it before House, MD used it as their theme song.