American Idol- The Big League

Hello intrepid AI followers, jesvet filling in for the week. So it’s the big time now, huh? The Top 12. The ones everyone remembers, at least for the next couple months, at which point they recede back into Constantine Maroulis/Diana DeGarmo territory. Or worse, Jon Peter Lewis territory. Who, you ask? My point exactly. But for now, they are living large on the Temporary B List.

Tuesday’s big event: moving to the big theater. And for such an auspicious occasion, guest “mentor” Diana Ross. I gotta tell ya, based on perezhilton.com and the like I was expecting some really manic behavior, but either she is taking her medication, or NOT taking the medication- hard to tell, but either way it’s working. She was delightful.

So Top 12, here we go:

Brandon: Oh man, he forgot the words. I could hear Randy saying “Oh DAWG!” and Simon moaning “You cahn’t do that at this stage in the game, dreadful,” before the last note left his lips. Weak. He knew it too, which is too bad because he seems like a nice kid.

Melinda: She is growing better each week. She’s this meek little sweet woman when interviewed and just blows up into this bigger than life personality on stage. Love her. And uh oh, Paula didn’t even make it to contestant number two before the waterworks started. This girl isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, nor should she.

Chris S: Giving “Endless Love” the Coldplay treatment. Kind of weird. My husband liked it, but he’s a Coldplay fan. I also find it harder to feel all warm and cuddly towards him now that I know he has a hot wife; he was much more endearing in his loveable geeky Jack Osbourne role, without the geeky specs he just looks like Justin Guarini on the Krispy Kreme diet.

Gina: Eh, she always seems to arrogant to me. Diana told her not to mumble, but she did anyway. “LOVE CHILD….mumblesomethingblahblah…LOVE CHIIIILD….beedeebopdebop!” Meh. She’ll stay around, but not to the bitter end.

Sanjaya- Well, obviously Diana hasn’t been watching AI because she asked him if he can dance. He can do a mean Michael Jackson impersonation, but it should never, ever be seen again. *sigh* He’s so sweet, but so out of his league. He’s this season’s Chicken Little. PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY AMERICA, for the love of all that is good, please please please!!!!

Haley- I’m starting to pick up the trend. If the intro has Diana giving advice, it means they are going to suck. If she is all compliments, it will rock. I guess you don’t make it 40 years in the business without being able to recognize the star power. She did better at covering the word lapse, though, than Brandon. It’s bad when the best PAULA can come up with is a comment on your hair, though what alternate universe are we in where Simon is the big complimenter? Oh wait, I get it. When he lambastes them, they get the pity votes. Reverse psychology! He’s a clever Brit, that Simon Cowell. But I’m onto you, Cowelie. Hopefully the rest of America isnt’.

Phil- Before he even opens his mouth, I have to tell you I am biased. I can’t imagine a guy who would take off on his pregnant wife for a once in a lifetime shot at a show that REPEATS TWICE A YEAR. So I think he is a schmuck and he has psycho eyes. OK, on that note: He is definitely better than Sanjaya. One of the better guys, despite the fact that I think he looks like the love child of Ed Kowalczyk and Gomer Pyle.

LaKisha: She makes singing look effortless. Brava. I also have to applaud the costume design team this season; after disaster after disaster in previous seasons with the over size 2 set, they are finally thinking about what would translate well to the screen, instead of indulging their inner Bobby Trendies and stuffing these hapless women into Big Bird feathered dresses.

Blake: The beat box dude. He’s doing an electronica version of You Keep Me Hanging On while simultaneously doing the robot. Weird, but morbidly fascinating. I think the strobe lights almost gave me a seizure. Too produced. Maybe he should have busted out the beat box after all?

Stephanie: Does anyone else hear “Stephanie Edwards” and instantly think of the redhead Rose Bowl Parade commentator? I have to admit, I’m getting tired and bored and I spent her performance googling “Stephanie Edwards” and learning about her spat with Bob Eubanks instead of watching her performance. But it sounds like everyone kind of tuned out. So, um, meh for me.

Chris R: He looks like K Fed in that white dinner jacket. To his credit, he sounds better than K Fed, but not by much. He has a tinny voice, doesn’t he? At least he got the crowd going. Paula? Where is the shot of Paula dancing on the judge’s table? You know she was.

Jordan: Diana’s been in the biz for 40 years and all Jordan can come up with is a soundtrack from The Land Before Time? Well, in her defense my three year old loved it. As did the judges. It was pretty good, but I half expected them to start rolling the credits over the end of her song (isn’t that what soundtrack scores are for?)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND………….

Bottom three are Brandon, Sanjaya, and Phil. Phil? Are you kidding? Ah, the American Idol nonsense begins. We’ve already established I don’t like him but in no way was he worse than Haley.

Ohhhh noooooo, we have to listen to Sanjaya relucatantly whisper his way through another week. Poor Sanjaya. Poor us. There are no winners here people, not Brandon who has to go home early, not Sanjaya who has at least one more week of public humiliation, and most certainly not the viewing public who will be exposed to it.

-jesvet