1. Do not own two long-haired cats. If you do decide to own two long-haired cats, do not decide to repaint anything at the peak of their shedding season. If you do decide to repaint at the peak of their shedding season, and you want to get an idea of what your results will look like, dunk one of the cats in the paint can and tack her to the wall.
2. Despite the fact that you loathe working with primer, and swear it must be made from moonrocks and old thoroughbreds, use it. Otherwise, you will find yourself crying into your roller as the sixth coat of paint takes on the consistency of mascarpone cheese.
3. Attempt to save some cash by ordering a glazing kit to change the color of the toilet and sink. Drag the toilet and sink into the garage and set them up for glazing. Watch the glaze run off and puddle on the floor. Come back in the morning and find the sink in eighteen pieces, despite the garage being closed all night. Mutter about sabotage.
4. Resign yourself to buying a new sink and toilet. Consider selling a kidney.
5. Go to a fixtures store. Do not seize the salesperson by the throat when she checks her catalog and informs you that the sink you broke is a custom size worth $650. Wonder if you can sell both kidneys and live on dialysis long enough to enjoy the finished bathroom for a few weeks.
6. If you end up shopping online for your special sink, remember to take note of all the dimensions, not just the depth. Then you will not be surprised to learn that, once installed, this sink will be approximately the height of a urinal. Make a mental note that any drunken male guests must use the upstairs bathroom.
7. So you’ve won a lovely bronze Moen faucet on eBay for only $65, and you’ve aggravated your tennis elbow by patting yourself on the back. Note that, while eBay auctions do list color and size, nowhere does it state that every frocking imaginable infinitesimal piece is separate. The only person who can solve this Rubick’s cube from Home Depot hell is a relative with a master’s degree in physics.
8. Note with interest that your new toilet is leaking into the basement ceiling. Note it only when you’re three hours into a summer picnic with a guest list of 84 people. Realize that, unlike Domino’s, Port-o-Johns do not offer a “delivered in a half hour or it’s free” guarantee.
9. Bite your nails until 2 AM and run downstairs every half hour to watch the acoustic tiles turn to pancake batter.
10. Remove and reset the toilet eight times in the next four months, with no improvement. Wonder if you’ve slipped into an authentic Star Trek time loop. Avoid poor Irish brogue imitations.
11. Drag the toilet back to the store and grind your teeth into chalkdust as the manager casually explains that a lot of bowls are cracked and need to be exchanged. Take home an uncracked toilet and set it once with success. Curse manager’s entire lineage.
12. Shriek to the deity of your choice as your husband decides to hack a hole in the wall to hook up shut-off valves and a laundry sink in the garage on the other side. Weeping optional.
13. Avert your eyes when walking by and avoid discussing the subject for a month. When he announces that it’s finished, say nothing about the paint blobs dried on the gouged hardwood floor. And throughout his hair. And upstairs on the comforter. And on your car’s steering wheel. And on the cats.
14. Hope that your husband has enough sense not to casually mention that everything will have to be torn out when putting in new hardwood floors in a few years. If he does not have that much sense, suggest that he immediately duck.
So it’s finally done? I demand pics.