American Idol Auditions: Birmingham

American Idol - Birmingham. Starts off on a…sour note.

Erica Skye - Kate Hudson look-alike, sings “Unchained Melody.”

And…she faltered. To use one of Simon’s phrases, “It sounded like BAD karaoke.” She continues to sing…STOP SINGING! Maybe if I were drinking, it would have sounded better.

Katie Bernard - sounds as if she’s channeling Carol Kane. Thankfully her speaking voice sounds nothing like her singing voice. Decent sounding.

Randy says yes, Simon says yes - Paula’s not saying anything…

Paula thinks that newlywed Katie should enjoy her marriage, rather than sing. “No! I need both - marriage and singing!” pleads Katie. She even drags her unsuspecting husband in the room for support.

Okay. She’s through to Hollywood!

Next up is Tatiana McConnico, who sings Aretha - and does it well. She’s amazing for 17 years old. She’s through to the next round with little fanfare.

Diana Walker - former cheerleader, or so she tells Ryan. Okay then, I’ll bite, Then again, maybe I won’t. The one-glove nod to Michael Jackson is an…interesting touch.

Diana sings Whitney. Scratch that - Diana MANGLES Whitney. WHAT was that last note about? I think my laptop screen is cracking as a direct result of that, and I swear I heard my dog whining at that one. Claims she gets a ’standing ovation’ for singing that.

Cut to commercial–Hold on - apparently Dunkin Donuts has a new maple cheddar breakfast sandwich! I’ll be right back…

Just kidding. Heh.

Bernard Williams—the SECOND, adds Randy.

Sings “Rock With You”…not too bad. Not sure why, but I’m getting a Kurtis Blow kind of vibe from this guy (cuz THESE are the BREAKS!) He’s through to Hollywood!

Oh NO…cue the Sesame Street theme. It’s Margaret Fowler, dressed much like Big Bird, in some insane yellow outfit. Sadly, she thinks this looks GOOD. So deluded, she thinks she’s 26. Wait. Is she really 26? If she’s 26 years old, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury. Oh GOD, PLEASE pull your shirt back down, woman! I did not need to see that. All desire for that breakfast sandwich from the Dunkin Donuts commercial that aired five minutes ago, is now gone.

OK, not Big Bird…Simon says she looks like a Easter Bunny Experiment gone horribly wrong.

And now Simon digs for the truth:

“How old are you?”

“33”

“How old are you REALLY? “

“50.”

Good, because if she was really 26, I was about ready to call my therapist.

Jamie Lee Ward – Blue Eyed Bombshell, or so her shirt proclaims.

Has the most tragic sob story of any Idol contestant that I can recall. Her dad shot himself during some lover’s quarrel (sounds like he caught Jamie’s mom in the act of cheating on him, shot her and himself) and is now paralyzed from the waist down. “So I live with my grandma. But it’s okay!” says Jamie. How she remains so bubbly, is a mystery to me.

Jamie sang ‘Reflection’ – and did a pretty good job. She’s through to Hollywood!

“I like Alabama. Do you?” Ryan interjects pointlessly.

Jack Osborne, we have found your evil twin. You know, before you lost weight and stuff. Chris Sligh enters the room.

“It’s Justin Guarini,” says Simon. “Why are you here?”

“Because I want to make David Haselhoff cry.” Okay, I LIKE this guy—he just referenced the Hoff!

Chris sings “Kiss from a Rose.” And holy crap, he’s actually GOOD. He’s going to Hollywood!

Day two—No Paula! Bummer. Should be interesting with the two dudes butting heads at the judges’ table.

Victoria Watson. Obviously her most striking feature is her six foot long hair…has been growing it her ENTIRE life. Suddenly I remember I need to make an appointment with my stylist…

“Bring mom in!” bellows Randy. Eh, they just want to see her hair. “It’s a family thing” mom says, regarding the hair. Mom’s been growing hers since she was 29.

Victoria sings “You Raise Me Up” – Josh Groban. She’s very church-choir sounding, not altogether unpleasant.

Simon & Randy are not blown away—it’s a no—“But the hair is HOT!” says Randy. Oh brother.

Lakia Hill – sings a song I can’t remember the name to, because of how BADLY she sang it. Simon blurts “WHAT the hell was that?” Thank you Simon, I was wondering the same thing. “One of the worst voices we’ve heard in Birmingham.” Lakia is gracious and says “Thank you!” on her way out.

Team Nichole, all clad in shocking pink shirts. Nichole’s from Oklahoma, and is 17 years old. She sings “Something to Talk About”, not great, but decently.

Simon: “You sing through your nose, and that’s a shame.”

Randy says she’s not ready, but come back next year.

Brandy Patterson - She thinks she has an “extraordinary voice.” Hm. We’ll see.

Brandy sings Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” She is completely tone deaf, Simon tells her it was awful.

“Maybe it’s the floor or something!” says Brandy. Yeah, THAT’s it. The FLOOR is making your voice suck.

“Then sing on the carpet!” says Randy.

Simon: “Randy, you are BARKING mad.”

Yeah…turns out that Brandy CAN’T sing, no matter what the floor covering is.

“No, I was better on the carpet!” Brandy claims.

“It’s a no…Off you go! Call me!” says Simon to Brandy.

Judges are getting punchy. The day must be winding down.

Twenty people made it through from Birmingham. Hey, it was better than Seattle.