American Idol Auditions: Memphis

The Memphis auditions are here! Ryan tells us that over 16,000 people showed up to try out. Judging by the ‘talent’ that emerged from the Minneapolis and Seattle shows, I am guessing that only 5 or 6 of these people can actually sing! Will they find the next Justin Timberlake in Memphis? Unlikely, but I’ve agreed to recap this show, so I solider on. Ha ha.

First up in Memphis is 21 year old cheerleader and cheerleading coach – Frank Byers Jr. It seems that Frank has brought the entire squad from Southern Arkansas University to cheer him on – in EVERY aspect of the audition. We even see the peppy supporters chanting ‘register, register, register,’ as Frank picks up his audition number. Oh brother! Frank says that one of the keys to cheerleading is that he always lets the crowd think that he is on “cloud 10″ Frank might want to work on his math before getting that diploma from SAU. Frank tells the judges that his nickname is “Frank and Beans.” I don’t even know where to go with that one, so I’ll talk about the singing. Frank sings “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Frank has obviously watched previous audition shows because he does an old trick, he serenades Paula exclusively, even changing the lyrics to ‘between the three of us guys.” Frank is all cheese, pointing at the judges, smiling at Paula and basically trying to disguise the fact that he has an ‘ok’ voice. Simon says he hated it. He calls it ‘corny’ and ‘cabaret.’ Frank then launches into another song and there seems to be nothing Simon can do to stop him. Randy and Paula agree with Simon that Frank seems a little over the top. Frank is not crushed by his rejection, oh no, far from it! He comes out, of the room, announces the verdict, and then turns and directs the SAU cheer squad into – what else? - another cheer about himself! Inside the judges’ room, you hear Paula turn to Randy and say with a giggle: “Cheerleaders man, they’re just there for you.” Heh heh Simon of course says ‘Oh, shut up.”

The hilarity continues as the cheerleaders raise Ryan high above their heads and he attempt to lead them in a cheer. The marching band, yes I said marching band, strikes up. From inside the judges’ room, a clearly annoyed Simon asks someone behind the camera “Did somebody tell him that he didn’t get through?” Simon has eventually had enough of the marching band and the cheering. He goes to the door, and yells out “Not being rude, but can you shut up?” That shuts everyone up.

Next we meet 16 year old Timika Sims. Timika says that she’s from Chicago but she stays in Memphis. Timika speaks with her mouth so close together that it is difficult to understand her. Ryan asks her “What’s different about you” – Her answer is: “Um, I don’t know.” Guess she doesn’t count the fact that she would be a perfect ventriloquist! Timika enters the judge’s room and has a confusing exchange with Simon. She says she wants to be like the singer ‘Mya’, and Simon truly thinks she is saying that she wants to be ‘a mayor.’ Anyhow, after all of the confusion, Timika launches into a rendition of “Rock With You.” She sounds like she is singing entirely through her nose. Timika seems oblivious to the completely nasal tone of her performance and she tells the judges that she thinks she sounds like the pop singer Ashanti. The judges disagree. Timika asks if she can sing another song but Simon tells her “It’s pointless.” Like most of the contestants that we have seen in the audition rounds, Timika ignores Simon and sings another song anyway. She does a rendition of “Secret Lover,” again all through her nose.

After a brief look at Chris Rivera who has a strange sort of ‘urban cowboy’ look going on with some of the strangest diagonal rips in jeans that I have ever seen, we are on to Alexis Partee from Southhaven, Mississippi. Alexis tells Simon that she is going to sing ‘Square Biz’ by Teena Marie, but he cannot understand what she is saying. What makes understanding Alexis difficult is that she has a very large mouth, all of it seemingly, chock full of braces. Alexis begins and she sings the song almost entirely in her upper register. She honestly sounded like she was recording a song for those Alvin and the Chipmunk Records that were popular when I was a kid. Blessedly, Simon stops her not too long after she begins and Alexis is not passed on to Hollywood.

We then meet one of the strangest named contestants in Idol history, Jason ‘Sundance’ Head. Sundance is 27 years of age, and he hails from Porter Texas. Right away I like this guy’s sense of humor. When asked how he got his name he smiles broadly and and says “I don’t know, my folks are hippies.” Heh heh. Sundance’s father is singer Roy Head, who apparently had a hit song called “Treat her Right” in 1965. Sundance says that he’s a much better singer than his dad, but that his dad’s “a dancing fool” and he (Sundance) has “got no moves.” Ha! I am really liking this contestant before I even hear him sing!
When he gets into the audition room, we find out that Sundance is having a lucky year. In the past year he got married, he has a baby due Christmas day, and he’s made it to the American Idol auditions. Simon comments that only one of these things is lucky. Heh heh. Sundance begins to sing, (“Stormy Monday” by Bobby “Blue” Bland,) and he has a soulful, powerful voice. The judges let Sundance go on for a while, probably because their ears are still bleeding from the previous auditions. When Sundance stops, Simon comments that he has: “Probably one of the best voices we have heard on the audition tour this year – in every way.” Randy tells him that he “blew it out” and that he was “amazing.” Sundance sails through to the next round as Simon says: “I am going to be amazed if you don’t make the finals.” When Sundance walks out of the room, Simon says to the other judges “He just blew Taylor out of the park.” Ouch! I hope the Soul Patrol is not watching!

Next we see Idol hopeful Wandera Hitchye. Wandera sings one of my favorite songs “A Change is Going to Come,” by Sam Cooke. She doesn’t have a bad voice, but it’s not anything special. It reminds me of something pleasing that you would hear in the choir at church. When she stops, all three judges agree with me. Simon tells her that there are many, many singers out there like her. Randy is more blunt and says “There’s nothing special about you, nothing that makes you next level.” Wandera begs for another try, but she does not get it. She comes out of the audition room crying and angry. After some brief cussing at the camera she is gone.

We are then treated to a video montage of the judges rejecting people. Blessedly we don’t hear much except the ‘No’s’ from the judges, although we do hear Simon tell one contestant: “You looked and sounded completely insane.” Hee!

After the montage we are introduced to Travis McKinney, a 22 year old from Memphis. In his pre-audition interview, Travis tells us that he is going to sing a special song that he wrote about his girlfriend. Travis goes on and on about how his song is very touching and VERY emotional. I get my box of Kleenex ready just in case Travis makes good on his promise to bring us all to tears. Travis gets into the room and begins his audition with a series of completely crazy dance moves. He looks like a drunk marionette with arms and legs just shooting out all over. I am glad I have the Kleenex as I am now laughing so hard tears are running down my face. Travis begins his ‘original song’ and it becomes clear that what he’s presenting is a very, very bad rap. He actually rhymes ‘goodbyes’ with ‘cute eyes.’ My husband calls Travis “Rapper Hell-No J.” Score one for hubby! When Travis is stopped by Simon, Randy says: “That was crazy man,” and ‘The Dog” doesn’t mean that in a good way. Simon denies Travis request to “sing” another song, and for once a contestant listens to Simon and Travis walks out of the room.

The final auditioner on day one is a bubbly blonde named Dani McCullough. Dani is 18 years old and hails from Collierville, Tennessee. She is extremely well put together and I find myself admiring her neat multicolored camisole. I don’t know where Collierville, Tennessee is but they darn sure have a good mall. Dani says she is going to sing an Aretha Franklin song “Baby I Love You” Dani has great stage presence and a sexy, bluesy voice that is not given away by her ‘Barbie Doll’ appearance.. Randy says it’s a no, he was not blown away. Paula calls her an old soul and says yes. Simon – likes the blues part of her voice – and me thinks he likes her looks – Becky O’Donohue anyone? Simon says yes and Dani is passed on to Hollywood. I wonder if Simon’s judgement is more for Dani’s interesting voice or because she really ‘looks’ the part. Although to be fair, Dani seems as if she’s got 10 times the voice that Becky had. Dani is the final contestant shown on day one of Memphis.

Day Two coverage begins with a montage of Paula hugging various men in the lobby. With all of the controversy surrounding Paula and men on this show, you would think that Fox would shy away from shoving these images in our mugs. But, then again it’s Fox, the network who brought us “The Littlest Groom,” and “Mr. Personality,” with host Monica Lewinsky. Being non-controversial is obviously not Rupert Murdoch’s first priority.

First up on day two is 28 year old Topher McCain. Topher announces that he’s Paula’s biggest fan. When asked what he likes about Paula, Topher cerebrally replies: “She’s hot that’s all I can say.” He obviously has given his feelings for Paula a lot of thought. In his pre-audition segment, we find out that Topher’s wife has recently left him. He tells us that she cheated on him, he got her back, and then she told him that she wanted to keep on sleeping with other people so he threw her out. Wouldn’t that mean that he has left her? Well, at any rate, Topher tells the camera that he is NOT going to let his wife come back after he becomes the next American Idol. Good for Topher! Taking a stand. Heh heh

Topher walks into the audition room and says he thinks he could be the next American Idol because he has: “Drive, determination, talent and moves.” The judges ask him about his wife and Topher calls her a beeped out word! Oh my! Randy then says ‘There’s a cute [woman] right here” pointing to Paula. Simon comes out with one of his great zingers, saying to Randy: “I’d stay single.” LOL Topher sings “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins. And, as promised, he doesn’t just treat us to his singing. Topher does a series of ‘footloosey’ moves in between stanzas. When he’s done Simon says ‘I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left.” OUCH! Simon then compares Topher’s performance to a drunken wedding guest singing and then falling off the stage. Randy calls it ‘bad karaoke.” Topher is not going to Hollywood, and on his way out Simon asks: “Are you upset?” Topher says he understands and he still loves the show.Simon points out that Topher got to call his wife a ‘beep’ on national TV and Simon adds: “We love that!” Judging by Simon’s comments on marriage during this round, I sense that somewhere out there there’s an ex Mrs. Cowell with a pile of money. Heh heh

The next one up is 20 year old Janita Burks from Memphis. Janita describes her style as ‘conservative’ yet she’s wearing a dress that barely contains her breasts. They seriously look like they are trying to actively make an escape! Janita tells us that her style “works in” with her ‘confidentiality.’ I think I need to go back to graduate school because there they taught us that confidentiality definitely did NOT mean ‘letting it all hang out.’ Janita says that her conservative yet sexy style boosts her confidence in “many many ways.”
Janita enters the audition room and begins with “Disco Inferno.” As she’s singing, she wiggles, she jiggles, and she very nearly has a complete wardrobe malfunction. This ‘close call’ causes Randy’s eyes to almost fall out of his head. Paula spends most of Janita’s audition signaling her to close up the top of her dress. When she’s done, Simon, in his usual lecherous way, says “Janita you are a handful.” Randy says, between guffaws, “Oh! Simon!” Randy then says what is also true about Janita’s performance: “The vocals weren’t good enough.” Janita tries to perform the requisite ‘second song’ but she starts up twice and actually scares herself with the first couple of notes! At one point she cries out to Jesus for help. I don’t know if Jesus knows anything about fashion, but if he’s listening, I would have him start there!

The third contestant we meet from day two in Memphis, is Sean Michel from Bryant, Arkansas. He says to the camera: “Everybody says that I look like Osama Bin Laden or Jesus or Castro or just a homeless bum.” Hmmm, nice company, (Jesus excepted of course.) I think from that comment you can already form a pretty clear mental picture of Sean’s flowing brown beard. Sean goes on to opine that he feels that all of us are really homeless because all of us are ‘poor inside.’ Deep thoughts by Sean Michel. Inside the audition room, Sean sings a song by Johnny Cash called “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” My hearing might have been off, but I think he inserted his own name into the song when he sang about God talking to someone. When he finishes, to my surprise, Paula complements Sean’s nice, soulful tone. Maybe I was too distracted by the fact that Sean does look JUST LIKE a young Fidel Castro, but I didn’t think he was all that special. Simon jokes that they: “Expected something about a revolution.” And Sean counters with a truly funny ‘Most people do.” Randy then says “100 percent yes. It don’t matter what you look like, you can blow.” Shockingly, for me anyway, Sean is passed on through to Hollywood.

Next up is 28 year old Melinda Doolittle from Brentwood, Tennessee. Melinda sings background vocals and when the judges find this out Simon asks if her if she ever wishes for the ‘star acts’ to break a leg or something so that she can get in front. Melinda says no, she likes being in the background. She’s doing this audition in part to get over her fear of singing ‘in front’ of people. Melinda sings “For Once in My Life,” by Stevie Wonder and I have the same feeling that I had last year when I first heard Paris Bennett sing. Wowsa! In Randy-ese my thoughts would translate to: “This girl can really blow!” Melinda’s the best of the night in my opinion. When she is done, the judges sit in appreciative silence, smiling.

Simon tells Melinda: “You walk in [here] with no confidence, no attitude, and yet you are a brilliant singer.” Simon continues: “You are what it’s all about – a great voice. You are in the top 2 percent of good singers this year. 1 million percent yes [to Hollywood]” Wow! That is strong praise, especially from Simon, but it is truly deserved. Paula does what she does habitually, she copies Simon and says: “I think you are brilliant – yes.” Will Paula ever think up her OWN compliments? Sigh. Randy takes his praise even further and tells Melinda that she’s: “One of the best auditions ever - vocally.” Melinda is passed on and we see her enthusiastic supporters celebrate with her outside the audition room.

Well, we knew it would happen, we just weren’t sure when. We knew Idol couldn’t come to Memphis without putting at least one “Elvis wannabe” on the air. The one they decide to showcase is our next contestant, Robert Lee Holmes, 21, from right there in Memphis. Robert proudly says that he sounds ‘just like’ Elvis. Robert also tells us that can sing one rock and roll song and it is Elvis Presley’s Burning Love. When asked if he has moves like Elvis, Robert replies, “I’m not going to dance with the song, just do little moves.” Well, aren’t we all looking forward to that! When Robert gets into the audition room he announces: “I sing, dance, act, and I write stories.” When asked what stories he writes he replies: “I write the story about the music of Robert.” Simon asks him “How does the story end?” And Robert provides one of the funniest Idol moments ever when he replies: “With a period.” Ha! Robert didn’t skip 5th grade English that’s for sure! Robert starts singing the aforementioned Elvis song, but the aforementioned ‘moves’ never really materialize. As Robert wails, he moves one finger that he points upward occasionally to emphasize his performance. When he’s done Randy sums it all up pretty well by saying “That was terrible man.” Robert leaves dejected and truly upset. He rips off his number and walks away.

We are then treated to a montage of all of the other bad singers singing “Burning Love.” The funniest two moments are when they show a confused looking girl who stops the song to announce: “I’m having an anxiety attack all day – I forgot my medication.” and when the very last guy featured throws a towel over his shoulder and then zips up his jeans to accentuate his last note. Um, I want to wonder why his jeans were not zipped in the first place, but I really don’t want to think about it, so I’ll move on.

Our last singer of the night is Phil Stacy from Jacksonville, FL. He tells us that he’s tired because his wife woke him up at 4am to say that his 2nd child was born! WTF? That baby better have arrived ‘unexpectedly’ or Phil’s going to have some ‘splainin to do’ when he gets back to Jacksonville! Phil says he’s going to sing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye and dedicate it to his wife because he’s positive that it’s the last thing she would want to hear from him today. Phil gets a big laugh from all of the other contestants in the waiting area when he says this. When Phil goes into the audition room however, he decides to sing “My Girl.” Phil has a good clear voice and hits all of the relevant notes. Randy says that he does not like his outfit (a t-shirt and blazer,) but that he likes his voice. The judges seem a little unsure about Phil, so they ask him to sing his original song “Let’s Get it On.” I think Phil does even better with this one. Randy and Paula agree with me. Simon disagrees and says that he doesn’t think that Phil starts any of his songs well. The judges start arguing about which song he ‘started’ better, or if he started any of them well. After a lengthy back and forth, Phil is passed on to Hollywood and our ‘visit’ to Memphis is over!

Out of the 16,000 people who showed up to audition in Memphis, 22 are passed on to Hollywood. You may be thinking that is a small number, but compared to the amount of hopefuls whom made it out of Minneapolis and Seattle, it’s a virtual truckload. The episode ends with a montage of happy people who made it. But wait! That’s not really the end. The REAL ending is a touching moment with final contestant Phil Stacy who is shown meeting his baby girl ‘Kayla’ for the very first time. Awww (Surprisingly, Phil’s wife is shown and surprisingly, she is NOT hitting him over the head with something large and/or sharp!)

Tomorrow, we are on to New York City for a 2 hour episode, and a guy who asks Simon if he even has a visa to be here! Lol

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