I hate feeling sick.

Not that anyone enjoys being sick, mind you. It’s like the added insult to the end of the joyous holiday season- the onset of the flu season, right when you’re in the middle of trying to take down your Christmas tree and get it out of the house before it loses every last needle on the carpet.

And though influenza is the nasty one, the bug that scares us the most and sends the elderly flocking to the local pharmacy by the busload for their annual vaccinations, what most of us deal with on a more regular basis is influenza’s annoying younger sibling, the common cold. The one that sits in your sinuses and makes you accumulate phlegm until you snore like a buzzsaw. That makes you uncomfortable and unhappy but not quite sick enough to call into work. The one that makes you shake your fist at the powers that be when you realize they reformulated your precioussss NyQuil to remove the pseudoephedrine (bastards!)

With my usual elegant understatement, I refer to every cold I catch as either Ebola, or SARS. But if you are really worried that you have something more serious than the usual sniffles, Flufacts.com has this to say about telling the difference between the cold and the flu:

COLD OR THE FLU?

How to Tell the Difference Between a Cold and the Flu

The cold and flu are both respiratory illnesses, but they are caused by different types of viruses. Flu symptoms usually come on quickly (within 3-6 hours) and consist of a fever, body aches, dry cough, and extreme tiredness. Cold symptoms are less severe and people experience a stuffy nose, productive cough, slight tiredness, and limited body aches.

Is it a Cold or the Flu?

Whether you need to know the answer now or you’re looking into it for future purposes, we can help. Use the interactive tool below as a quick reference to determine if what you have is just a cold — or if it’s the flu. Remember that if you are experiencing flu-like symptoms, it is better to act fast and speak to your doctor within 12 to 48 hours. We’ve prepared a list of helpful questions to ask your doctor to help you make the most of your visit.

I debated posting a helpful list of things to do when you have a cold, but sadly cold-fighting technology has not improved a whole lot in the last 100 years or so. Stupid mutating viruses!

1. Help yourself by getting lots of rest, drinking plenty of fluids, and ordering around your spouse/significant other.

2. Use a vaporizer to help with the irritation of dry nasal passages. What kind of vaporizer to get is a bit of a hot topic; ivillage has an excellent article about the pros and cons of each.

3. Make sure you don’t get sick at the same time as your kids, if you have them, because if you do, life sucks and you won’t get much of a chance to do any of the above.

4. If you’re into the alternative stuff, have at it. Sometimes I try echinacea and zinc lozenges and all that but I can’t decide if I think it works.

5. If you are fortunate enough to know of a place to get a good matzo ball soup, indulge. And send some to me, please.

I’m sure I had more to say on the topic but the phlegm is apparently clouding my ability to think coherently. Or maybe it’s the NyQuil. Anyway, if you have Ebola like I do, I hope you feel better soon.

Jesvet