Well, it’s the seventh sign, my friends, the apocalypse is near. If you haven’t heard the news yet, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By the Bell, has a sex tape coming out.
This by itself is unpleasant but not entirely unsurprising. I mean, obviously his career has kind of tanked since his heyday if you will of Screechdom. While Mark-Paul Gosselaar (aka the cute one) went on to NYPD Blue, and Tiffani Amber Thiessen had a good run on Beverly Hills 90210, poor Dustin has been stuck on the D-list comedy circuit. Heck, even Mario Lopez has kept his face on TV- it may have been on a bad knockoff of the View, and Dancing with the Stars, but it’s still work. Dustin, in the meantime, has apparently descended into the pit of bitterness and “what happened” entitlement complex otherwise known as “Former Child Star-Itis”. It’s a bad case, too. If you don’t believe me, you can go to his website and see for yourself. Yes, he is selling T-shirts to pay for his mortgage, and his woe is me tale is chock full of Gary Coleman/ Danny Bonaduce crazy goodness.
But I digress. The point is, he seems to have sunk to a real low in order to keep his name in the spotlight. His tape, if you believe the hype, contains an act that is just disgusting, nasty, and vile. By itself it is those things; Screech performing them adds “vomitous” to the mix. Screech performing it on tape elevates it to the rank of “If I watch that, I will have to dunk my head in a vat of bleach and pull my brains out my ears with a knitting needle to erase the memory.” It’s an act with its very own name, one you may or may not recognize. To protect the innocent I will omit the actual name, but it rhymes with “Dirty Tan Chaise.” If curiosity is overwhelming you, you can always google the name of the purported tape- I kid you not, they are calling it “Saved By the Smell.” If that doesn’t give you a hint that perhaps this is not something you want to Google, then you are beyond my help.
Usually when you hear about a celebrity sex tape, I think most people are at least a wee bit curious, right? Like, maybe you wouldn’t pay the $20 or whatever for a Night in Paris, or the John Wayne Bobbitt tape, but if a friend had it in the DVD player you’d take a peek. I need better friends. I still haven’t seen any of them, even the infamous Tommy Lee one, but if it was there, I would. But if this thing was playing, I tell you what, I would run. After sprinkling the TV with holy water. Blindfolded. This definitely heralds the arrival of the celebrities you didn’t want to see naked sex tapes. I guess it was bound to happen. What’s next? Urkel does Uranus? (insert collective groan. Yes, I wrote this whole paragraph just so I could write that one thing.)
There is one winner in this whole debacle, though, and that is Elizabeth Berkley. The infamous “Showgirls” star has finally relinquished her 11 year crown as “Most Embarrassing Saved By the Bell Alum”. Bravo, Elizabeth.
